


Exhaustive List of Things Dr. Rush Is Not Allowed To Do On Destiny

by TheElusiveOllie



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Crack, Experimental work, Gen, Humor, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-27 21:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheElusiveOllie/pseuds/TheElusiveOllie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are quite a few things Dr. Rush is not allowed to do while on board the Destiny. Young took the liberty of compiling a helpful list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhaustive List of Things Dr. Rush Is Not Allowed To Do On Destiny

Created by Col. Young, co-edited by Lt. T.J., Lt. Scott, and Sgt. Greer.

~~Co-edited by Eli “Math Boy” Wallace, Adam “The Ancient” Brody, Dale “Applecore” Volker, and Lisa Park~~

~~Edited by Dr. Nicholas Rush~~

All items on this list are subject to change.

COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF THINGS DR. RUSH IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO ON DESTINY

  1. Dr. Rush is not allowed to sit in the chair.

    1. ~~You’ll really have to be more specific than that.~~

    2. _You know damn well which chair I’m talking about._

  2. Dr. Rush is not allowed to bribe, persuade, guilt, or otherwise trick anyone else into sitting in the chair for him. Again.

    1. Dr. Rush may not convince ~~any civilian, scientist, or military personnel~~ _anyone_ that they will die unless they sit in the chair ~~except in the case that they are actually dying~~ under _any_ circumstances.

    2. For the sake of the sanity all involved in that latest incident, let’s just say that no one is allowed in the chair. Period.

  3. Dr. Rush is not allowed on the bridge without at least one additional military personnel present to assist him.

    1. ~~By which you mean “monitor me and generally be irritating.”~~

  4. Dr. Rush is not allowed to tell the “baby fur seals” joke.

    1. No, I really don’t care _how_ funny you think it is. That was _disgusting_.

  5. Dr. Rush is not allowed to set all the spare kinos loose in the mess ~~“just to see what would happen”~~ for any reason.

  6. Dr. Rush is not permitted to bring the skull of ~~his~~ any temporal duplicate(s) to dinner.

    1. ~~I’ll have you know that Yorick happens to be a much better conversationalist than anyone else on this ship.~~

    2. Dr. Rush is not allowed to edit this list.

      1. ~~Do a better job of hiding it from me, then.~~

    3. Oh my god he _named_ it?

  7. Hiding ~~Yorick~~ the skull of Dr. Rush’s temporal duplicate in air vents was not and never will be funny and whoever is doing so is ~~requested~~ ordered to stop.

  8. Dr. Rush is not allowed to sabotage any attempt to dial Earth because he “thought it would be funny.”

  9. The kinos are for monitoring Stargate locations and planets _only_.

    1. ~~Definitely not for spying on anyone in the halls. Just so we’re clear.~~

    2. This list isn’t a participatory exercise, Rush.

      1. Okay, but he’s got a point.

  10. ~~Dr. Rush is required to use the Ancient communication stones to contact Homeworld Command on a regular basis just like everyone else.~~

  11. Dr. Rush is no longer permitted to use the Ancient communication stones.

    1. In fact, we’d all probably be better off forgetting that ever happened.

  12. Dr. Rush may not under any circumstances refer to Volker as any of the following:

    1. Brody the Second

    2. Brody’s Irritating Half-Cousin

    3. Brody’s Irritating Siamese Twin

    4. Any variations upon the first three items listed.

    5. The Mildly Adequate One

    6. Mr. Tiresome

    7. That [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]

      1. Good _lord_ , Rush.

  13. Dr. Rush is no longer allowed to suggest three years in a stasis pod as a solution to “the Volker Problem” since as of this writing Dr. Volker has started to genuinely fear for his life.

    1. ~~_Good_~~.

  14. Dr. Rush is not allowed to go longer than 48 hours without sleep, no matter how long he claims he’s gone without in the past.

    1. And, yes, T.J. _will_ be checking.

  15. Dr. Rush is not allowed to hoard the caffeine substitute that Lt. Scott procured from the last planet.

    1. ~~I don’t _hoard_ it.~~

    2. We found a literal stash of it in your quarters. What else would you call it?

    3. ~~Emergency reserves.~~

  16. Dr. Rush’s caffeine substitute intake is to be limited to _one_ (1) cup per day.

    1. A day constitutes a full 24 hours, Rush, not 12 or 23.95.

    2. In cases of emergency, exceptions may be made.

      1. “Volker was being irritating” is not a valid emergency.

      2. ~~Since when?~~

  17. Dr. Rush is required to participate in regular health check-ups with T.J. like everyone else.

    1. Trying to avoid said check-ups will result in being confined to the infirmary for the rest of the day.

      1. ~~That’s assuming you can find me.~~

    2. Talking in the thickest Scottish accent you can possibly muster does not make you exempt, Rush. I might not understand everything, but I don’t think you want me taking liberties.

      1. ~~Oh, I would pay good money to see that.~~

      2. ~~No one asked you, Eli.~~

  18. “Lotta work” is not code for anything. Stop asking.

  19. Nor is “damn it, Rush” code for “please improvise.” Why would you even _think_ that?

  20. The stretch of time between 0200 and 0300 hours is not known as “Rush Hour.” I don’t care how clever you think you are.

  21. Threatening to leave the entire science team at the next planet is not an acceptable reaction to five minutes of “Rush” puns.

    1. Nor is telling them exactly where they can stick their puns.

      1. For a self-proclaimed genius, he sure knows an awful lot of creative synonyms for [EXPLETIVE].

    2. ~~_Five minutes?_ I had to listen to that for an _hour._~~

    3. _Abandoning the science team on an alien planet is not the solution and you know it._

  22. Anyone who asks Dr. Rush how he is doing today is merely expressing friendly concern, not “spying for that bastard Young.”

  23. If swapping protein supplements for alien sand samples wasn’t funny the first time, what on God’s green earth makes you think it will be the fifth time?

    1. Would you believe me if I said that one actually wasn’tme?

    2. ...Possibly. Who else could it have been?

    3. ~~Volker, probably.~~

      1. I resent that.

  24. Routine checks with _every_ member of the science team regarding their progress with unlocking Destiny’s master code are mandatory.

    1. These checks cannot be completed “by proxy.” Stop saying so.

    2. Dr. Rush is not allowed to inform other members of the science team that checks can be completed “by proxy.”

    3. Nor “by [EXPLETIVE] proxy.”

    4. “Pass” is not a suitable response to any of the routine questions.

    5. Nor is “[EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] my [EXPLETIVE] with your [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]”

    6. Nor are any dramatic recreations of the resurrection of Frankenstein’s monster, no matter _how_ impressive they are.

      1. Eli, where did you even _find_ a strobelight?

    7. Members of the science team cannot opt out of checks on the grounds of “debilitating headaches.”

    8. Members of the science team cannot opt out of checks on the grounds of “sheer annoyance.”

    9. Members of the science team cannot opt out of checks on the grounds of “Destiny Fever.”

      1. Unless, of course, you’re actually coming down with something. We’d appreciate it if you kept that out of the workplace.

    10. Leaving notes reading “IOU one check-up” is not an acceptable substitute for the mandatory checks which are, in case you need reminding, _mandatory_.

    11. Nor is leaving notes reading “404 Error: Scientist Not Found.”

    12. It is generally considered an annoyance when the entire science team manages to conveniently “forget” they had a pre-arranged routine check with one of the military personnel.

      1. Dr. Rush is not to encourage this type of behavior.

        1. Oh, believe me. He doesn’t need to.

  25. Dr. Rush’s attempts to recreate the Solar Flare Incident for the sole purpose of making himself another temporal duplicate are not amusing or necessary.

    1. “There’s no one else on this bloody ship to bloody talk to,” is not a valid justification to continue doing so.

  26. On that note, Dr. Rush is not secretly from the alternate timeline where ~~everyone else died~~ ~~we all lived 2000 years ago~~ whatever the hell happened and he needs to stop leading everyone believe as such.

  27. Dr. Rush is not and never has been Destiny’s Official Alien Ambassador.

    1. ~~That was _one time_ and it was Telford’s fault.~~

    2. I don’t care whose fault it was. That was our last batch of C4.

  28. “Because Rush said so” is not acceptable grounds to do anything.

  29. Nor is “because Rush asked nicely, for once.”

  30. Rush does not actually have the military status to issue orders of any kind.

  31. Being “the only one with _sense_ on this [EXPLETIVE] ship” is not an adequate substitute for military status.

  32. Dr. Rush is not to use any air vents, hidden hallways, or any additional unknown areas to hide from military personnel.

    1. ~~Still having trouble finding me?~~

    2. How are you _doing_ that?

  33. Any request for ~~use of the gateroom~~ ~~for use of the chair~~ for use of anything prefaced with “because science doesn’t know yet” is to be denied outright.

  34. The following reasons for any request will receive the same treatment:

    1. “Why not?”

    2. “For discovery’s sake.”

    3. “Do you want to get home or not?”

      1. Unless said request is truly beneficial to the effort to dial Earth, and I fail to see how putting twenty carnivorous slugs in the same room for the sole purpose of seeing “which one would win” does anything to help in that regard.

      2. ~~It wouldn’t, but it would be fascinating.~~

      3. Just because it hasn't been done yet doesn't mean it _should._
    4. “Science, obviously.”

    5. “It is our Destiny.”

      1. I thought you hated puns, Rush.

      2. ~~Not if they’re actually clever.~~

    6. “[EXPLETIVE], do you need a reason for _everything?”_

    7. ~~“We’re all going to die.”~~ That was a one-time deal ONLY.

    8. “I’ll break your [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] face.”

    9. “The gateroom is full of aliens.”

      1. Unless the gateroom is actually full of aliens, I don’t want to hear it.

    10. “For the sake of the crew,” was a mutual agreement, not a manifesto for future bad decisions.

  35. Any request from Rush or on the behalf of Rush for a materials list including the items of a kino sled, two (2) plasma cutters, approximately forty (40) lbs. of organic meat substitute, ~~an item of C4~~ _any_ explosive, and “one of the more expendable civilians” is to be denied outright.

  36. Rush does not count as one of the aforementioned “more expendable civilians” and ~~respectfully~~ requests that the military personnel stop asking him.

    1. On that note, the science team would like to remind all military personnel that any utterance of the phrase “please kill me now” is to be interpreted as a figure of speech and not a service request.

  37. Anyone who alerts Rush to the existence of this list will be put on trash detail ~~for a week~~ ~~for a month~~ ~~for the duration of the entire journey~~ for life.

    1. ~~It was Eli.~~

    2. ~~It was Brody, I swear.~~

    3. ~~Okay, but it was Volker’s fault this time.~~

      1. For [EXPLETIVE] sake, do you all _really_ think I can’t figure these sorts of things out for myself?

  38. ~~Dr. Rush is not responsible for the loss of any limbs resulting from a “surprise hug attack.”~~

    1. Yes, he is. I still have that black eye and it still _hurts_.

    2. ~~Seeing how much you already looked like a [EXPLETIVE] raccoon to begin with, I’d say it’s an improvement.~~

  39. Announcing that something must be done “for Destiny's Mission” is not actually a fool-proof way to make it happen, Rush.

    1. Col. Young is not to blame for the one time that it was.

    2. _Really_ , Colonel? You fell for that?

    3. It was ONE time.

  40. Dr. Rush is to check in with ~~military personnel~~ Col. Young in person before joining an offworld mission party.

  41. Dr. Rush may only yell “FIRE!” in the event of an actual fire, and not to "clear everyone out."

    1. On that note, an “infestation of nonsense” in the control interface room does not qualify as a contagion.

  42. The stasis pods are strictly off-limits for ~~Dr. Rush~~ ~~the entire science team~~ EVERYONE. All attempts to get Inman out of there have been thus far unsuccessful.

    1. How could _I_ have known the stasis times are automatically set for ten-year increments?

  43. The next person to give Rush access to Brody’s distillery is going on Greer’s hit list.

    1. So is whoever thought that was a good idea in the first place.

    2. It could be unrelated, but I still don’t know where the twenty-three kinos that disappeared that night went.

      1. ~~It’s related. And no, you don’t want to know.~~

  44. Dr. Rush is no longer permitted to challenge anyone to a game of chess.

  45. Anyone who chooses to challenge Rush to a game of chess gets what’s coming to them.

  46. Anyone to whom Dr. Rush offers a “Glasgow kiss” is advised to get as far away from him as quickly as humanly possible.

    1. That wasn’t a _kiss_.

    2. ~~You were stupid enough to think it would be. That was well-deserved.~~

  47. In the case of injury, Dr. Rush is to remain in the infirmary for the allotted recovery time.

    1. T.J. would like to remind him that he is not permitted to continue working if he is in critical condition.

    2. In the case of a concussion, Dr. Rush is most _definitely_ not permitted to continue working. We’re still trying to get the FTL drive sorted.

    3. If Rush looks like he needs to be resting, he probably should be.

      1. In this case, it would be wisest to radio T.J. instead of attempting to handle him alone.

      2. ~~Have to find me first.~~

    4. Rush undergoing a hangover is not grounds to radio T.J.

    5. Nor is Rush undergoing caffeine withdrawal.

    6. Col. Young would like to remind the science team that finding Rush passed out in the hallway is probably grounds to radio T.J., regardless of what the cause might have been, and it is not acceptable to leave him there based on the justification that “he could have been asleep,” “he gets scary when he’s upset,” or “we thought it was a joke.”

    7. Finding blood on the consoles means it is probably an emergency and Rush is too much of a [EXPLETIVE] to do anything about it.

    8. Holy [EXPLETIVE] Rush, how are you still alive?

      1. ~~Science doesn’t know yet.~~

  48. Dr. Rush may not hide the samples of organic tissue found on the last planet in his quarters ~~under the justification that he “didn’t want Volker poking them”~~ for any reason whatsoever.

    1. So that’s why he’s been sleeping in the interface room?

  49. Dr. Rush is not permitted to sleep in the interface room.

    1. Nor is he permitted to sleep in his hallway.

      1. “His” hallway?

      2. You know, the one covered in writing.

      3. I didn’t even know that was there. That is _creepy_.

    2. Nor is Dr. Rush permitted to sleep in the hydroponics lab. Especially not perched _just beside the door._

      1. ~~I do not _perch_.~~

    3. Dr. Rush is to find suitable alternative quarters until we can clear out the infestation of whatever the [EXPLETIVE] grew in his old ones.

    4. That’ll teach him to hide potentially vital organic material in his room.

      1. ~~It certainly did. Next time I’ll hide them in yours.~~

  50. Dr. Rush is ~~NEVER AGAIN~~ not allowed to steer the Destiny toward ~~another~~ blue supergiant ~~under the justification of “well it worked last time, didn’t it?”~~ EVER AGAIN.




**Author's Note:**

> As much as I wish I could say this was my idea, this entire work was inspired by this beautiful amazing thing - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/the-things-dr-bright-is-not-allowed-to-do-at-the-foundation


End file.
